How To Make Vodkoffee

Peanut butter and jelly. Wraparound sunglasses and Bono. Rum and coke. Coffee and whiskey. In the spirit of adventure and pseudo-science, we took it upon ourselves to find out if there was a better booze out there to mix into your cup of joe. With curiosity literally figuratively gnawing at our brain, we decided to make it happen. So we got coffee and a bottle of vodka and brewed it all together. Naturally, we drank the results and took pictures all along the way. 

Step One: Dump a large amount of coffee into your coffee maker. In the spirit of self-preservation — coupled with an attempt to counteract the heinous act of brewing with vodka — we added four heaping spoonfuls of coffee grounds into the machine.

Step Two: Pour three cups of vodka into your coffee pot. The high temperatures during the brew force the vodka to evaporate, so you don't have to feel bad about filling your coffee pot with a week's worth of spirits. 

Step Three: Pour your booze into the machine. As that familiar vodka smell permeates throughout the room, you'll notice your kitchen will start to smell distinctly headache-y. This is all relatively normal. 

Step Four: This is the step in which your coffee maker earns the title of Mister. As your concoction brews, you'll get that nice, warm Sunday morning vibe from the coffee coupled with the Saturday night bathroom stall feel from the vodka. It's a black, liquid enigma. 

Step Five: After five minutes, four cups of vodka, and three spoonfuls of coffee, you get one full mug of Vodkoffee. Thank you, science. The sluice is thick and tar-like with an unsettling red gleam that will forever haunt your cup. 

Step Six: The pungent concoction took the form of a Yin-Yang symbol after it was poured into the coffee cup and burned the nostrils. One had to wonder if this was some sort of sign. 

Perhaps these two volatile substances were bound to go together in unity and provide a taste achieved from reaching a perfect balance within the universe?

Nope.

Definitely not. Vodkoffee delivered a pairing of caffeine and alcohol unfit for human consumption. Kind of like Four Loko for adults. The vodka absorbed the taste and color of the coffee, but kept its original pungent taste. The coffee was overpowered, beaten to a bloody pulp and smacked in the nuts. After much deliberating (and dry-heaving) we decided that this particular pairing wasn't written in the stars. It wasn't even written in the dirt. Stick to whiskey and coffee. Or just coffee. Go home, vodka.

After Jeremy Glass did this experiment, he took his coffee maker out behind the barn and shot it in the back of the head. Goodnight, sweet prince.