I Ate The World's Hottest Candy
Damn it, what the hell was I thinking? I've put my body through some seriously harsh conditions during my time at Supercompressor and I, admittedly, come up with some pretty bad ideas. There was the time I snorted alcohol, then there was that one time I ate all those gas station drugs. Oh and how could I forget my week on Nuvigil—the drug from Limitless?
But of all those strenuous days—packed to the brim with shocking epiphanies and baffling erections—eating the world's spiciest candy, the Vertigo Cube, was the worst idea I've ever had. Below are my results.
Here's the deal, spiciness is measured by a unit of measurement called the Scoville scale. To put it into perspective, a serrano chili hits about a 10,000 on the scale. Habanero peppers can measure anywhere from 350,000 to 580,000...the Vertigo Cube has a rating of 2,000,000 on the Scoville scale.
Two. F*cking. Million. Literally the same rating as mace. So, yes, it's a tad spicy.
How can I properly describe the feeling from eating just one of these things? First of all, it's made from seven of the world's spiciest peppers: Moruga Scorpion, Chocolate 7 Pot, 7 Pot Jonah, Trinidad Scorpion, and Bhut Jolokia.
And, you know what? You can really get a sense of the amalgamation of these horrific flavors through the sheer overwhelming and brutal taste.
The spiciness is positively mind-numbing. It felt like I was having a stroke and on the brink of vomiting all at once. It was insane, horrible, and reminiscent of what I think it's like to be set on fire inside an active volcano.
The heat in my mouth lasted a solid thirty minutes after I drowned myself in milk to neutralize the burn. Everything that touched my tongue tasted scorching hot. My eyelids were literally sweating by the end of it.
Here are some things I said out loud while I had the candy in my mouth:
"Oh my f*cking sh*t."
"F*ck, it's like giving birth out of your mouth."
"Christ, the f*cking heat!"
"Someone put lotion on my tongue."
"I'm gonna die."
"Oh Jesus, help."
"Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng."
I foolishly waited until after I put the candy in my mouth to ask Bhut Pepper's founder advice on how to properly curb the heat: "Don't chew it up, because it will get stuck in teeth and sucking makes it hotter." I sucked it and chewed it up. (Also, that's what she said.)
By the end of the experience, I—as the kids say—"literally could not even."
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and ranks this as the second worst thing he's ever had in his mouth. For more info on the first, tweet at him: @CandyandPizza