Damn the man! For a fleeting second, it looked like powdered alcohol was going to grace the homes of the booze-loving people of America... until it was ripped out of our hands by the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. Something about risk of death or whatever. Like we usually do 'round these parts, we decided to take matters into our own hands and make our own. We found a recipe online, ordered an ass-ton of Tapioca Maltodextrin from Amazon, threw in some grain alcohol and, yes, obviously snorted it. Kids, here's a guide to making your own powdered alcohol.
Assemble your ingredients. One tub of Tapioca Maltodextrin, a bottle of grain alcohol, a measuring cup, a sifter, two bowls, a spoon, and a total disregard for safety.
Pour a half cup of Tapioca Maltodextrin into a bowl. Maltodextrin is a sweet white food starch that's used in molecular gastronomy. It absorbs the alcohol you pour into it, making it dissolvable while retaining the alcohol content. It's about $20 for an armageddon-sized tub of it on Amazon
. We got it overnighted to our office and made some magic happen.
Pour in the booze. While making powdered alcohol, you want to find a spirit with a high ABV. I applied my encyclopedic knowledge of cheap, strong liquors and found a bottle of $18 grain alcohol. That's 96% alcohol, baby.
Stir it all up. If your concoction starts to take on the consistency of egg whites, you've put in too much booze. Overcompensate with the maltodextrin. It's (probably) not poisonous, so you (probably) won't die if you use too much.
Add more Maltodextrin if the mixture seems too soupy — you don't want any excess fluid.
Sift any excess non-alcoholic powder. Watch the snow fall, just watch. It's like the first snow of the season, except with starch.
Prepare the batch. I borrowed a coworkers credit card under the guise of returning it safely.
I've been watching TV for about 27 years now, so it was pretty easy to figure out how to cut this stuff into perfect white lines.
With unbridled passion and a complete disregard for my elementary school's D.A.R.E. program, I snorted the stuff I made from a recipe I found on the Internet.
And ooooooh baby I was in flavor country!
On a related note, Flavor Country is located directly in the barren fields of Painsville, USA.
Indeed, it would take a lot of this stuff to mess you up. The bit that I pounded up my smell-hole burned like the time I snarfed Goldsclhäger at the 13th Step
. I ended up with a righteous headache that made the proposition of a second round extremely unappetizing. The taste though? It was like powdered sugar's convicted sex offender cousin. It dissolved quickly, but burned like... well, alcohol.
What a wild ride, America. Can't say I totally disagree with the Government's ban on Palcohol. It'd take a lot to get you messed up, but the ease of ingesting this stuff could definitely lead to some forgetful nights. Don't do drugs, kids. Or do. Whatever, I'm not a cop.
Jeremy Glass is a writer, not a cop.