14 Things Your Girlfriend Doesn't Want For Valentine’s Day

At this point, declaring your distaste for Valentine’s Day is as hackneyed and tired as labeling Apple enthusiasts as “fanboys” or expressing your love of Fight Club. We get it—it’s not a real holiday, but your girlfriend’s going to be pissed if you take out your apathy on her.

Valentine's Day gift guides are bad news—picking something obvious off a list will surely make you single. So we're going to help you in a different way. Here are 14 things you shouldn't get your girlfriend. You're welcome.

1. Edible Panties

Price: $6.46
What might seem like a sexier alternative to chocolates is actually just an awkward, sticky fiasco waiting to happen. And chances are, if you don’t like teeth anywhere near your bathingsuit area, neither does she. Seriously, just go buy her chocolate instead.

2. Gift Card to Red Lobster

Price: $Varies
Unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits? Lobsteritas? Broiled flounder? They say the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. Unfortunately “they” never went to Red Lobster on Valentine’s Day and spent the rest of the evening muffling farts into a pillow.

3. A Giant Teddy Bear 

Price: $138.41
There’s nothing like an oversized stuffed animal to both infantilize and completely inconvenience your girlfriend in one fell swoop. “Thanks! This will go great right on my....right by the...how about we just put him the closet for six months until we need the space, then we'll arrange a bulk pickup from the city!" 

4. A Rolling Pin 

Price: $12
BOW CHIKKA WOW WOW. Don’t blow your dough on flowers and wine. Roll your dough with this piece of wood and then wipe clean with a damp cloth. Romance is super easy, guys. Now you can try again because you're single.

5. Vodquila 

Price: $19.99
Giving your sweetheart a big bottle of her favorite booze is a fine move if you know what she’s into. On the other hand, if you don’t know what she likes the best, you should man up, take a chance and choose one—keyword being one. We’ve tackled the delicate combination of vodka and tequila before and, when you think of it as a giant liquid metaphor, Vodquila is a testament that you can’t win with indecisiveness. Tl;dr: tastes like death and crippling loneliness.

6. Socks 

Price: $Varies
Sure—they’ll keep your lover’s feet warm. But don’t expect her to share any of that warmth, if you know what I mean. (I mean sex; you won't have any sex).

7. Live puppy 

Price: $Varies
Congratulations, you’ve given her the gift of an adorable, living, breathing obligation.

8. Mariah Carey "Dreams" Perfume 

Price: $20-$30
Sure your girlfriend might be a diva, but not-so-subtly telling her she is with diva perfume is a terrible idea. Best-case scenario: she breaks up with you. Worst-case scenario: she doesn't, and you have to smell four octaves of Mariah's trademark scent.

9. Dilettos 

Price: $130
Hey, we’re all for the act of refurbishing goods, but when a product’s sole purpose is taking yourself to pound town, you’d better let sleeping dogs lie. Would it be funny to see your girlfriend walk up to the club with dildos on her feet? Duh—but a lot of bad ideas are funny.

10. Balloons

Price: $7.98
She’s not 10 years old, and this is not her birthday. So skip the balloons and save her from office-wide humiliation and pissing off every person in arm’s length on her commute home.

11. 101 Sandwiches By Helen Graves 

Price: $12
If there’s one thing women adore (besides shopping, crying, and Oprah) it’s definitely making their men delicious sandwiches at a moment's notice. With the guidance of super-sandwich artist and author, Helen Graves, your lady can keep her ‘wich game on point for at least 101 days per year. It'll also come in handy when you find yourself eating your feelings from the following breakup.

12. Pink Lady Taser

Price: $23.05
For the lady in your life who needs a lil’ protection, but prefers her weapons to match her gender myths. This handy taser/flashlight combo comes in a stunning shade of pink, with an electrifyingly convenient carrying case—also pink. No shocker there. 

13. Tickets to the Matinee showing of 50 Shades Of Grey 

Price: $Varies
There is absolutely nothing sexier than spending two hours in a dark theater surrounded by complete strangers watching multiple scenes of BDSM before 3pm. Nothing.

14. 55 Gallons of Lube

Price: $1,310
The 55-gallon drum of lube seems almost as old as the Internet itself and riddled with questions. Where did it come from? Why is there so much? How could a person conceivably go through 55 gallons of lube? When a present arouses so much suspicion and confusion, it’s fair to say you’re on the wrong track. Look—just buy her f*cking flowers, ya idiot.