All Photos: Costco (unless otherwise noted) 

Posted on 3/27/14

Amazingly enough, there's more to gain from your membership to Costco than heaping discounts on trash bag-sized pouches of chicken nuggets and bulk packs of toothpaste. We peered behind the heaping wooden pallets and bins of sweatpants and found a few crazy items you probably didn't know they were selling.

20. 6 Wine Bottle Impact Case Carrying Safe
Should you need a lockable, protective case of aircraft-grade aluminum so you can travel with your wine bottles, you are either a) too rich to be bothered not drinking from your treasured vino collection while away from home or b) too cheap to pay for drinks on vacation. In any case, chill the hell out.
Costco Couple
19. Extremely Limited Edition Johnnie Walker 1805 Blue Label
While no longer available in stores, for a while they were offering one of JW's 200th anniversary bottles — of which just 200 were produced — for a cool $20,000. Sort of a bargain though considering the Scotchmaker claimed they were not to be made available to the public at all, and would be gifting them to 200 men and women who've "made significant contributions to modern life".
18. 8-Site Hydroponic EuroGrower
There’s no way you’re buying this to grow herbs in the winter. No, you’re buying this because you’re a high school kid with his parents’ membership card plotting to set up a grow farm with his friends. Good luck, bro!

17. Vacations
Yep, you can book your next cruise, beach vacation, or trip to Disney via their very own travel site. They actually have quite a few rad packages.
16. Cars
They can also get you a huge deal on your next set of wheels thanks to their affiliation with over 3,000 dealerships — with whom they prearrange low, members-only pricing.
15. Weston Roma Wine Press
If their huge inventory of bottled vino can’t keep up with your rate of consumption, cut out the middleman and make your very own with this old-school wooden juicing cage. It’s the The Jack LeLane power-juicer for alcoholics.
14. Two Gallon Jug Of Massage Oil
Totally normal if you’re a professional masseuse. Totally a Buffalo Bill-esque serial killer red flag if you’re not. Either way, they’re temporarily out of stock. Sorry!
13. Pallet of 3L Tins of La Civetta Olive Oil
This is enough olive oil to make pesto every night for the rest of your life and still have some to bequeath to your children.
12. Custom Painted Pet Portrait
There are literally millions of better ways to spend the $2,000 each big one of these will set you back.
11. Slendertone FLEX Pro Arms
Remember that as-seen-on-TV electric ab-toner? This is that for your biceps and triceps. It sends intermittent shocks through the muscles to enhance definition. Perfect for the dude too busy to hit the gym, but not too busy to walk around with uncontrollably spastic arms for a few hours.
9. Custom Wine Cellar
If you’re paying the bills to build an entire wine cellar in your home and opt for the one offered by Costco, you’re doing it wrong.
8. 6-Person Outdoor Steam Sauna
Yes. Yes yes yes. Just make sure you’re not buying the floor model.
7. Pink Rose Heart Keepsake Urn
There’s nothing lighthearted about shopping for urns, but this could easily be mistaken for a cheap Russell Stover chocolates tin. Avoid.
6. 5.81 ctw Round Brilliant Cut Diamond Platinum Ring
This ring is $83,000. Repeat: you can buy an $83,000 ring in the same store that sells 10-pound bags of cubed cheese. Heaven. Oh, and they also sell Cartier watches.
5. Plaza Osetra Golden Farmed Russian Sturgeon Caviar
Nothing balances out a cart stacked to the brim with bulk Sour Patch Kids like an 8-ounce can of caviar.
4. One-Year Emergency Food Storage
Doomsday preppers, rejoice! Just clear out a little corner of your basement for this stockpile of enough freeze-dried fruits, veggies, dairy, protein, and grains to keep four people alive for an entire year. And if civilization doesn’t come to an end in the next 25 years — when it all expires — you'll get your basement back.
3. Frozen Vending Machine
A vaguely depressing sight in the office break room, but an absolutely epic replacement for your kitchen freezer at home.
2. $18,000 Metropolis Playset
Seven play decks, a clatter bridge, four slides, two tire swings, three sand boxes, and extra wide monkey bars. Your 10-year-old self just peed himself.
1. A $35,000 Painting of the 2012 Giants World Series Celebration
*Not a bulk item. Also, what???


Joe McGauley is a senior editor for Supercompressor. If you need him, he'll be in that 6-person backyard sauna.

Other Stories You Will Like

  • READ MORE
    11 Hilariously Bad Local Car Dealership Commercials
  • READ MORE
    17 Of The Most Hilariously Outdated Tech Commercials Ever Made
  • READ MORE
    13 Hilariously Bad Local Furniture Commercials
  • READ MORE
    Screw the Oscars and watch these classics instead

Press enter to search

Like what you see?

Follow us to freedom on Facebook