If your imagination was any good at all growing up, most of the stuff you desperately wanted just wasn't possible. Safety, money, parents, physics, and the United States government all stood between you and your dreams. But now that you've grown up and are using the Internet without supervision — unless your company sucks — some of those things might actually be within your reach. In case you've forgotten about them, here's a refresher of the stuff you swore you'd buy when you grew up.
1. Power Wheels
When you realized that driving equalled freedom, that red Schwinn with training wheels just didn't cut it anymore. But driving your mom's car was out of the question, since at 3 foot 11, looking through the windshield and pressing the pedals were mutually exclusive. But no matter, you were willing to settle for an electric one-seater. Unfortunately, your parents weren't.
2. Go Kart
For a relatively small sum, your parents could have secured your eternal obedience. But they claimed to "care about your safety," among other unappreciated excuses. It wasn't fair. They forced you to drive your dad's green version that had a giant rotating blade around the yard, but they wouldn't give you your own.
3. Pilot's License - $~9000
"Mom, you can get your glider's license at 14 and pilot's license at 16."
"My birthday's coming up."
thing on Earth your parents would ever let you buy is now a juicy $19 low-hanging fruit.
- $2,600 per year
Your transportation dreams didn't end with motors. After seeing Clint Eastwood on his, it became patently obvious that to realize your true potential, you required a steed. Obviously, you couldn't get a pony
. What you needed was a stallion — or at least a gelding — and as far as you knew, there was no such thing as a male pony.
6. Swisher Sweets - $2
As you pined for a horse, you were also mesmerized by that cloud of smoke Clint squinted through and you wanted those fat brown cigs that made it. Even though you'd never had one, you could imagine the taste: leather, 5W-40 diesel engine oil, hickory, America, and the knowledge that no one would ever tell you what to do again.
7. Air Rifle
You weren't "trusted" to have a fake gun, even though your dad used to have one and told all those cool stories about his buddy getting shot in the arm. Didn't they want you to have cool stories? Plus, you didn't even really want to use it. Like most gun owners, it was just that feeling of having
8. Dangerous and Exotic Pets
Dogs and cats were great and all, but you really wanted something dangerous like a lion or a tiger like Calvin. (You got a goldfish sized "shark" but it lacked a certain je ne sais quoi.
) Sadly, a lion wasn't possible then, and it's still not possible now. Or is it?
9. Limo Rides - $Varies
You always dreamed big on this one. You wanted one with a pool and a TV and a helicopter pad on the back. Eventually, you got that limo ride to prom, but you were a little too tipsy and nervous (about your clammy hands which made you more nervous and more clammy) to appreciate it. Next time, instead of taking a cab, hop into a limo. Dropping $60 is a small price to pay for fulfilling a dream.
10. Soda Fountain
You swore you'd have a soda fountain when you fled the nest, maybe even an actual Kolher sink faucet that dispensed coke. Sadly, you've just had to settle for the SodaStream
. If you still want it, you can get one of those soda guns they have at bars, but you can also get a kegerator for $500
. Call it a dream evolved.
You might not have the space for it, but you can probably afford one. And you will
go two at a time.
12. Sugar Cereals
There's nothing stopping you now, young man. Go forth and feast. Well, actually that's the advice your parents should have given you, because if you'd had the green light back then to take down 28-ounces of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs
, you'd never ask for a bite again.
13. Microwavable Everything
Every time you see these in the freezer aisle, your pavlovian-conditioned subconscious prevents you from opening the door; you're paralyzed by the fear that a giant parental hand will Wallace
that french bread pizza to the ground. Take a few deep breaths, grab one, and put this whole business behind you.
14. TV in the Bedroom - $100
Watching TV in bed was something reserved for the occupants of the master bedroom, but now you've got a laptop and your parents' Netflix account. If that doesn't quite satisfy you, put a 12-inch CRT TV on your dresser. After all, that's the one you lusted after back in the nineties.
15. R/C Helicopter
It's too bad you weren't born any later (or maybe it's not, otherwise you wouldn't have "built" any "character"), because 'copters have never been cooler, or more affordable. You can get a little one for next to nothing, and you can get a sweet quadcopter for $300
. Except they call them "drones" now. What's the deal
On all your childhood architecture plans, there was always a zip-line into a pool. Always. No waterslides. Those were boring and cliché. Even if you don't have a pool, you can still set up a zip-line and do some extreme stuff. While drinking epic quantities of Mountain Dew.
17. Mountain Dew - $1.25
You weren't having fun unless you were peeing green. Are you sure that's changed?
18. Parental Advisory CDs
Even though you swore like a longshoreman as a third-grader on the playground, that didn't stop the powers that be from restricting — nay — censoring
your musical diet. Back then, that sticker was essentially a guarantee that you'd like whatever was on that disc. Can you name the above album?
Ethan Wolff-Mann is Supercompressor's Gear editor. The above CD was the first parental advisory album he bought. Follow him on Twitter @ewolffmann.